I just uncovered the biggest secret in DC this side of Watergate. And it’s been staring us in the face for months now – which is generally the best place to hide something.
White House press secretary Tony Snow is Max Headroom.
If you don’t believe me, the next time he’s on TV, close your eyes and just listen.
It makes sense; who else would George W. Bush want speaking for him? And all they’ve done is replaced Max’s hair.
Trust me. It’s Max bloody H-H-H-Headroom.
My thoughts on today’s news:
British Airwaves finds traces of radiation on 2 of its planes: Let’s hope Russian spies don’t start schooling terrorists on how to really get stuff past airport security or we’re ALL in trouble.
Africa faces growing obesity problem: It won’t be global warming that destroys the Earth. It’ll be the excess weight throwing the planet off it’s axis.
Tom Cruise buys a home in Sussex: LA’s loss is…Sussex’s loss.
Kitty Robinson just joined the show as our new producer (the former producer, Terry Hopkins, left to pursue a job in his first love, pharmaceuticals). Please join me in welcoming her and her “mad” ideas (her phrase, not mine) (but appropriate!) to the show.
Kitty’s first job was firing Trisha Sakamoto. I’m still on the fence about this but we’ll see where Kitty takes us and I’ll decide from there. Kitty has promised me that Kenny’s three ties were not her idea and, for now, I believe her.
As a long-time Beatles fan, you can imagine my joy when I heard today that there’s a new, never-heard Beatles tape that’s been unearthed.
Sadly it’s a tape Heather Mills made of Paul allegedly attacking her.
Still, the Beatles were the pioneers of “beat” music – so it’s good to hear it’s come full circle. Perhaps it’ll be added as a bonus track to the next Anthology release.
It emerged today that Heather Mills has made some extraordinary claims about life with a Beatle. Now, before we rush to judgement, I’d like to throw some light on them from the perspective of 1) someone whose business is News and the subsequent reading between the lines I must do on a daily basis;
2) a divorcee myself.
Here are her claims, and my point-by-point analysis of what she really means.
• Subjected her to four violent attacks, including one in which he stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass.
An utter lie. Heather, you callous bitch. How dare you impugn this man’s integrity? Exhibit A, your honor – he never once hit Linda for her god-awful singing and if that wasn’t reason enough for domestic abuse, I don’t know what is.
• Continued to use illegal drugs and drink excessively, despite promises made before they married.
Right. So every time a couple gets married, they’re expected to live by the promises they made each other in the weeks leading up to the wedding? Get real, Mills.
• Hurled abuse at his wife, calling her an ‘ungrateful bitch’.
You are. The truth hurts.
• Tried to prevent her breastfeeding, saying: ‘They are my breasts.’
A joke said in the moment that she’s now using against him, taking it out of context. Well let’s put it BACK in context. You can just imagine them in bed, naked, nuzzling together as foreplay begins. The legendary Beatle’s penis is flopping against her one good leg (if he’s laying on her right side) and coitus begins. Sadly, the Beatle penis needs a bit more foreplay nowadays so as the good Knight takes a breast in his mouth, he stalls for time and delivers a bit about breastfeeding. All well and good at the time. She certainly smiled; and he bought a bit more time to get a good piece of “norwegian wood”.
• Made her cancel a crucial operation because it interfered with his holiday plans.
By “crucial” read “unneccessary plastic” and if Macca can’t take time off to enjoy himself from time to time, who can?
• Objected ‘vociferously’ when she asked to buy an antique bedpan to save her crawling to the toilet at night.
Okay. Maybe you’ve got us with this one. But when you’re his age, having seen everything in the world probably twice over, and with all that money, a knighthood, etc – seeing a one-legged woman have to hobble to a toilet in the middle of the night is probably all you’ve got left.
So back off, Miss Mills and return to the world of soft-porn from whence you came.
Madonna. Angeline Jolie.
Mmmm…
I’m moving to Africa and putting myself up for adoption. Keep your fingers crossed my boat comes in!
Many people are offering their opinions of the horrific Mark Foley scandal; whether it be about his inexcusable, immoral, sickening behaviour – or the behaviour of the Republican party and their lapdogs (Matt Drudge, etc) who trying to pretend nothing bad happened, in a desperate bid to hold on to power.
But we’re overlooking a major issue here; why it happened. Foley has offered two lame excuses thus far; alcohol and the clergy. But what is the real base cause of pedophilia?
Simple.
Sexy kids.
Speaking at the UN today, Venezulean President Chavez called President Bush “the Devil”.
Tonight, on Goodnight Burbank: President Bush. Is he the Devil?
Shannon Torrez AKA Shannon Beck, the woman who slashed a young mother’s throat then absconded with her baby (the same day she had her own miscarriage), has been caught – the baby returned.
I wonder who’d have made the better Mom.
Now we’ll never know.
Rupert Murdoch has roped in his wife Wendy Deng to help make MySpace the most popular thing in China.
It amazes me that his wife has the time to hit “Add A Friend” to well over 1 billion people.
