Anna Nicole-Smith has passed – Pt2

After seeing Anna’s slim results, I thought I should try Trim-Spa too. But not now.

It appears that even when you obtain the ideal weight, it keeps on going.

Anna Nicole-Smith has passed.

Due to her death, in years to come, E!’s Anna Nicole Smith Show will grow to new heights as car-crash viewing entertainment. Can you imagine what the toddlers of today will think in 18 years? I guess the person most surprised will Anna’s grown-up baby daughter.

“Daddy, what was Mom like? Hey. A DVD!”

Dickens couldn’t have written such a sadder story.

New Year’s Day

What an amazing party last night.

I can now cross 3a off my list.

New Year Resolutions 2007

1) To finish my autobiography, “I Am The News”.

2) To lose the 3lbs I added over the Xmas holidays and get back to my normal weight.

3) To track down ex-Blue Peter hostess Lesley Judd and declare my undying love for her (unless she looks really old in which case I’ll ask if she has a grown-up daughter who possibly looks like her).

3a) To have a threeway with Rashida Jones (“The Office”) and Becky Newton (“Ugly Betty”).

4) To break up the relationship my co-anchor Kelly shares with our station manager Frank. No real reason. Just bored.

5) To give up smoking. Although, to be honest, I don’t smoke. This is just in here so I can at least accomplish one resolution.

6) To have the Pet Shop Boys reunite their original line-up (which included Laura Brannigan on drums, Gary Numan on bass and that one out of Jimmy The Hoover on pennywhistle).

7) To understand what goes wrong during the birth process that makes some people Christian Conservatives.

Saddam Hussein Hanging Live Video.

Here in the newsroom, we just watched the leaked video of Saddam’s death. We see the noose being placed around his neck. We see him tell his hangmen to “go to hell” when they start chanting rudely. Then the trapdoor opens, Saddam disappears and the video goes black. We hear shouting, we know something’s going on, and then there he is; Saddam bathed in light, still attached to the noose. His neck snapped. He’s dead.

Definitive proof, should the conspiracy nuts have reason to complain. Case closed. The end. Over with.

Although I suppose there is a chance that it was completely rigged and that Saddam was spirited away and replaced by one of his unluckier body doubles amidst the confusion.

James Brown. President Ford. And Saddam Hussein. Dead.

Saddam Hussein, James Brown and Gerald Ford are having a drink with Richard Nixon in Heaven when a gorgeous blonde walks in to the bar. “Man! Who’s that?” asks Brown. “Her name’s America. And what I wouldn’t do to her!” replies Nixon.

“You’re telling me. I would dance up and down that body then fuck her senseless” says Brown.

“I would fuck America so hard she’d be calling out Allah’s name” says Saddam.

Ford says nothing. They turn to him.

“Well?” says Nixon.

“Oh,” replies Ford, “I was thinking about tearing America wide open, stealing her innocence, and fucking her like no President has ever done before. But who’d be there to pardon me when I was done?”.

Nixon turns back to his drink. “Shut up and drink, you fucking kill-joy”.

Sure it’s not funny. But it made you think.

Gerald Ford Dead.

President Gerald Ford, who broke the record for “longest living President” has died.

I’m telling you, that title is cursed.

Goodnight Burbank named Time’s Person of The Year!

Time magazine just announced their person of the year; “You” – “You” being defined as the people responsible for the growth of user-generated internet content. Well, that’s us all right. Sure, there are a few other people in the umbrella, but really, who’s counting them?

So thank you Time. Thank you very much.

And thank “you”.

Wait. That’s us.

Xmas Prezzies

As Christmas descends, I’ll tell you what I’m buying my fellow anchors-in-arms for the Holidays.

Dan Rather – a hip flask (for his whisky) and a new hip (for his new hip flask).

Anderson Cooper – Manolo Blahnik’s and sheer pink panties (a private joke we share).

Trevor MacDonald – a bolo tie (he loves to ride the bull).

Katie Couric – a newspaper and a thesaurus (she must have a sense of humour, right?).

Ted Koppel – Old Spice.

Lara Logan – a simple, black pashmina (oh, my 60 Minute news muse; when will you give me a second glance?)

Peter Jennings – must return his gift for refund.

A Request for a Web Cam

I want to issue a request to my British viewers. As autumn turns to winter, and Xmas approaches, it’s just not really the same here for ex-Mancs in 72 degree sunshine. So can anyone set up a webcam in any random street in Britain (I would hope for Manchester but ANYWHERE would be great) that streams a constant picture AND sound? I would love to be able to see people rushing about their crimble business as the dark descends and the lights twinkle. Call me an old romantic.

So that’s a constantly streaming webcam WITH sound. And call it a xmas gift.

Cheers,
Gordon WS.